Dear Koren
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for six years now. When I met him I was a virgin and became pregnant by him. He was physically and verbally abusive but then he would apologise and say he would never do it again.
We broke up because he was partying a lot and coming home late and I thought he cheated on me. I stayed single waiting to see if he changed. We started dating again and I got pregnant the second time and we moved in together, with him promising to change.
Things were fine until he started the same behaviour going out every weekend and never with me, just his friends. Then I found out that he was with the same woman. He moved out and moved into the house where the woman stays when her husband is away. He says he is not with her, but everyone says differently.
He has asked me to forgive him and to give him time and promises that he is going to change and move out, and give me what I told him I needed, which is a stable relationship and no cheating.
Should I give him a chance or let it go and try to move on. My friends say he does not deserve me, but I am very conventional and I always wanted to have my children for one person and stay with that person. Is it wrong to think that way? Please help me.
Confused
Dear Confused
It is not wrong to want to be with the person whom you have children with and to want to have a long term relationship or marriage; that is very admirable and the way that things should be in an ideal world. However, sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture and see if what we really want is in our best interest. In your case, not just your best interest, but the best interest of the two children that you have.
A relationship requires a commitment from both persons who are willing to give 100 per cent, otherwise it will not work. This commitment while it can be expressed verbally, should be seen by the actions of the individuals involved.
I am hearing that your partner is verbally abusive, physically abusive, dishonest, does not take you out, is unstable, parties a lot and on top of all that, is asking for time to change.
What makes you think that giving him another chance will make a difference? You see, when a person genuinely wishes to change something in his/her life, that person has to recognise that he/she is doing something wrong. Your partner should change because it is the right thing to do, not because you are giving an ultimatum. That sort of change is only temporary and occurs when you are around.
I will not tell you what to do. What I can tell you is that you wrote in because you know something is not right. Trust your instinct and your judgment. Think about who you are and what you deserve. Think about whether your body was created to be someone’s punching bag or whether your heart exists to be constantly broken. Every story has two sides, but it sounds from your description that this young man does not place any value in you or the relationship. A partner is supposed to love and respect you and take your feelings into consideration. When someone is treating you right, you will feel good about yourself. You will not be constantly confused, not knowing where you stand and living in fear of what will happen next.
If your children have to watch you being abused and taken advantage of, that will certainly have a negative impact on them as they will come to see that sort of behaviour as normal.
Sit in a quiet place away from him and all these people who are bringing stories to you and make your decision, not based on rumours, but on what you have been experiencing and your level of happiness for the past six years.
If you decide to stay, know that you are subjecting yourself to more of the same behaviour unless there is a drastic change. If you decide to move on, dating someone else other than your kids’ father does not make you a bad person. I know that you will make the right decision.
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